Autism Traits Umasked

Autistic traits I have realised in myself since my daughter was diagnosed

Masking

Masking has recently been in the spotlight within the neurodiverse communities (and beyond, I hope), and here are my thoughts on what masking means to me.

“I tend to be really affected by the people around me”.

I have often heard myself say this phrase over the years. I’ve mentioned it to friends, therapists, and my husband. Usually, I’ve said it as a way to justify actions that might seem out of character or as a perceived change in behaviour. This is the main aspect of what I recognise as masking. There have been many times when masking is deliberate; moments when life was so low that if I hadn’t put on my mask each day, I wouldn’t have been able to function. Times when my physical health was poor, my anxiety was high, I struggled with cliques at work, or I found it hard to cope with people’s ineptitude at work. In those moments, and many others, I deliberately put on my mask of ‘professionalism’, ‘having it together’, ‘getting on with it’, and ‘being in control’.

This is exhausting.

In my late teens and early twenties, I drank a lot. I used alcohol to conform, to cope, and for courage! I went dancing—something I love—in loud, crowded clubs—something I hate. I had my own dance style, but constantly watched and copied what people around me were doing. With my friends, I was the sensible one. There were times when we would go out, and they would do some (in my opinion) quite risky behaviour. I was either too sensible, too scared, or too worried to do anything too risky. With these friends, I always felt a little behind. They were somewhat older than me. At the time, I thought that was why I felt a bit disconnected, why I didn’t fully understand them. Hindsight shows me it wasn’t this.

My relationship at that time was turbulent. My mum used to say that my partner and I (before we had my daughter) were like an English summer – two fine days followed by a thunderstorm. He was the only person I ever truly argued with. Again, was this a form of masking? Looking back, I realise it was a chaotic mix of adopting his actions and habits while trying to resist them at the same time. I was unhappy and felt trapped but unable to do anything about it. My romanticisation of our relationship and hopes for the future kept me there. I used to listen to love songs and wish he could be like that, say those things, look at me that way.

I have done many things I don’t even like just to fit in. To please others. To be liked? I used to listen to Drum & Bass with my boyfriend. This music was physically painful for me. It would literally make my skin crawl and my muscles tense. He was really into it, so I just put up with it, with the banging sound pounding through my head and body like a sledgehammer. We would go to house parties and listen to the pounding beats in hot, dark rooms surrounded by strangers. Can you tell how awful that was for me?

The other thing is football. My ex was a huge football fan. I believed in the saying ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’, and over the years, I ended up going to football matches with him. Several times a week, we would be in the pub watching the game. I had my own kit top. I attended crucial matches and saw great players, great teams, great goals, and great wins. I would get caught up in the emotion, atmosphere, and crowd (though I hated crowds, especially when leaving and on the tube), but after the match, I wouldn’t remember anything. This really annoyed my ex. He told me I was selfish and unappreciative, and it would cause another row. How could I forget watching the greatest teams and players in the world? I guess it’s because it was never MY special interest. It was his, and I never really cared about it in the first place.

After I had my daughter, I decided to return to church because it was a part of my childhood that felt safe, secure, consistent, and where I had genuine friends. However, my childhood church was not the right place, as I felt they still regarded me as a 12-year-old. I’ll tell you more about my journey in church another time.

Over the years, I have faced more than my fair share of challenges. Managing these while maintaining the illusion of being in control is truly exhausting. Despite this, I feel compelled to carry on. It’s almost instinctive, simply part of my character, the way I am built.

But when it comes to my everyday masking, adopting the actions, mannerisms, and behaviours of those around me, I’m not even sure if I do it deliberately or if it’s just a natural response for me. I know I enjoy ‘people watching’; I find people fascinating. I like to wonder about their lives, their journeys, their stories.

Friendships are unique. Of course, I am interested in my friends, but friendships can be confusing to me. Every close friendship I have has developed within a work or study environment. I tend to have a small group of colleagues around me and form one really close friend— a friendship that lasts. We tend to get to know each other as individuals; we see that we are similar, trustworthy, supportive, or caring. We usually confide in one another. After the initial attraction, there’s often something that binds us together— a shared belief, a common history, or a need to find a tribe. These are the things that make my friendships strong.

I no longer see people from my school days; I only had a very small group of friends back then anyway. I have one friend from childhood. I love my friends and enjoy spending time with them, but to be honest, it can also be exhausting. When I was teaching, it was easier to be a good friend. Everyone agreed that social gatherings were most easily arranged at the end of term. Everyone in teaching talks endlessly about teaching, so if it is your special interest, you don’t seem out of place when you talk endlessly about it, too. Having friends who are also teachers makes it easier.

At other times, I am masking the whole time. Small talk is confusing to me.

Do you really want to know how I am?

Do you really care how my week was?

Is the weather really affecting you that much? I’m sure you don’t have a health condition.

Let’s talk about something that matters rather than this fluff.

Let’s talk politics, education or healthcare. Let’s talk about love and plan for the

future.

Small talk is exhausting.

“You’re such a tough cookie”.

This is my main problem with masking.

I don’t WANT to be.

I don’t want to have to deal with the never-ending stream of crap that comes my way.

I have literally held in tears for hours until I could be in a safe place to cry. Hours!

 When Your Facial Expressions Give You Away

So, masking might be my superpower, but there are many times when I struggle to conform and fit into the social norms of the situation. There have been several occasions when I know my facial reactions have betrayed my inner thoughts and feelings about a particular situation. One such time was at the hospital when my surgeon gave me unexpected information; information that contradicted what he had previously told me. I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I do recall my mother sitting next to me and saying, “You should have seen your face when he said…”. I thought I was holding it together very well. Clearly not.

Other tricky times are when I am given a gift. I tend to overreact and be extra thankful when I receive anything. I feel it’s important that the other person truly knows how much I appreciate what they have done for me or given me. If I receive an unexpected gift, or one I may not like very much, this can be difficult to manage. It can make me appear ungrateful.

Even in the car, when someone lets me out of a side road and into main traffic, I thank them in three different ways, just to ensure they know I am grateful. This is true even though I don’t know them and will never see them again. So, I digress; masking is exhausting, and there are times when I’m unable to keep it all together.

Sometimes I’m not sure who the real me is.

#autism #autistic #neurodiversity #family #autismmum #autisticmum #neurodiverse

#diagnosis #autismandgirls #womenandautism #anxiety  #masking